MOTIVATION

Or a lack thereof.

I've been thinking a lot recently about motivation, ambition, success. I've always been pretty motivated, all throughout my teenage years I had ambitions and the motivation alongside it to try and make these happen. Finishing university and floundering around for the year or so after this was somewhat difficult, not knowing what it was I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, but still I found jobs, I started my previous blog and had some (very small) successes and I made the move to London that I'd always wanted to. Now, in my mid-twenties, I still don't know what it is I want to do, or where I want to be and, honestly, I think I'm probably at my most unmotivated that I've ever been. And I hate it.

It's not like I sit around all day binge-watching Netflix and eating Ben & Jerry's out the tub (although it happens on occasion), I really try to do stuff. Whether it be reading for personal development, to find out more about the world and to enjoy reading someone else's story, writing blog posts on things I'm interested in, cooking and exercising (this is a big one to help with motivation, but sometimes the motivation to do it is lacking!!) sometimes it all just feels a bit pointless at the moment. Sometimes it feels like there just too much out there to do, too many possibilities, too much information, too many motivational, self-help quotes telling you that a. You are right where you need to be but also b. Only hard work and graft will get you to where you want to be and turn those dreams into a reality. I've also been thinking about the biggest motivation killers, as I see it now anyway, those little things that niggle away at you and somehow, over time, render you useless.

1. Comparison. Not just comparison to others, but comparison to what I thought life would be like at my age when I was in my teens. Of course I do compare myself to others, it's impossible not to, but it's not really me comparing myself to massive Instagrammers or YouTube stars, I don't really care about that, it's my wonderful, amazing friends who are doing so well for themselves! Their careers are going from strength to strength and at the moment I feel like I'm flailing in quicksand trying desperately not to become the country-bumpkin stereotype of a happy wife, making dinner for her husband and achieving nothing (god I'm getting bloody melodramatic). It's impossible to ignore the feelings that I've somehow failed when I think about how I saw my life going when I was younger. It's ridiculous, I have a truly lovely husband, a beautiful house, family close by, friends not so close but always there for me, a job that I really do enjoy and more spare time to achieve whatever dreams I have than you could shake a stick at. So what's wrong?

2. Feeling inadequate. A big dream of mine has, for a long time, been to start my own make-up artistry business. I can do it. I know I'm good enough, I've had enough training from brands I've worked with and I enjoy doing it. But I feel inadequate. I feel like I'd turn up to do a job and the client would see right through me, I'm a fraud, the make-up would turn out disastrous, it wouldn't last, I'd end up blinding someone by jabbing them in the eye with a mascara wand. A few years ago I blamed it on my age, at 22-23 I was far too young to start a business (I know), no one would take me seriously so I'd wait a few years. But those few years have gone by now and I still haven't done it. Even writing this makes me feel like an idiot (I need to stop calling myself that) because that's it, isn't it, you just have to do it.

3. It's a cycle. Once you start feeling demotivated, once you get into the habit of having a 'slow' morning and not getting properly dressed and ready for the day until 11 (ahem, 12) o'clock, once you keep telling yourself it's never going to happen and people won't take you seriously you really start to believe it. It's ridiculous, I have so many mornings when I don't have to be anywhere, I should be motivating myself to be writing, blogging, reading, but instead I sit and 'catch-up' on YouTube videos, I waste half of my day doing nothing and, even more ridiculously, if something then comes up that I have to do on a morning for, let's say 9, I'll actually feel put-out and like I'm missing out on my entitled me time because I've become so used to it.

I'm nearly 27. I don't want to waste another second blaming everyone and everything else for my lack of motivation. No-one is to blame here but me and I know this, I really do. It's time to have something to show for my 20's because, frankly, at the moment this decade of my life seems to be slipping away with only 'life-experience' to show for it.

First step, I'm going to write a blog post every day this week, no matter how short, or shit, it's happening.

Second, I'm not going to watch YouTube videos when I go to bed. Sounds ridiculous and small, but I need to read and stop wasting hours of my life watching videos when I could be doing other, far more productive things. In fact, do you know what, I'm going to impose YouTube rationing from today. I'm going to allow myself 2 videos a day.

Third, I'm actually going to write a 3-5 year plan, mainly in relation to my career path. Where do I want to be in three years? It sounds like ages away but I know for a fact it isn't, it will come around without me noticing if I'm careful so TODAY I am writing it. I totally believe in the whole 'law of attraction' thing, if you can visualise it and properly, whole-heartedly see yourself where you want to be in the future, living the life you want to live, I believe it can happen.